What would Zechs Merquise Do?
by Merula
Summary: A bizzare songfic based on the "What Would Brian Boitano Do" song from South Park. If you haven't heard it, it might not make much sense. R rating for language and suggestive lyrics.


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. The song "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" is sung/owned by the South Park guys and the band DVDA . It is a real song, I just turned it into an ode to Zechs. WARNING: If you have not heard the song, this might not make a whole lot of sense.

Zechs silently cursed the clock on the wall as it slowly counted down towards his impending doom. It was 11:45 now, but once 12:00 rolled around, he would be led away to the torture and ridicule that awaited him. Not that Zechs was undeserving of such a fate, he had led White Fang years ago and ordered the space battleship Libra to be crashed into the earth, not to mention all the men he had killed during those bloody years of battle. No, he was certainly no saint, but what man in his right mind wants to be taken away to be tortured? He still had some time; there must be a way to escape intact.

Zechs rose from his chair and made his way to the door, but he wasn't near fast enough. The door opened and an oh so familiar face smiled at him from the doorway.

"Going somewhere Agent Wind?" Commander Une asked with a smile.

"Just to the men's room," Zechs said with his best smile.

"I have it on good authority that you visited the men's room about ten minutes ago. I doubt you need to go again so soon. I think you are simply trying to avoid your fate." Une reached out and took a firm hold of his arm. "They're waiting for you," she said and led him out of the room.

As Une escorted him down the hallway, he was aware of people watching him. Some were faintly pitying, others were amused, but all fell in step behind Une. No one wanted to miss the spectacle that was in store for him. No one, that is, but Zechs.

Une opened a door and took me into a darkened room filled with murmuring people. A chair had been prepared for Zechs in front of a raised dais, upon which his torturers would preside over his fate.

Une pushed him gently into the chair. "Don't worry Agent Wind, you're young, you'll heal." She grinned and vanished into the darkness. Leaving Zechs alone in the harsh wash of the spotlight that was centered on his chair. Minutes crawled by with agonizing slowness as the spectators filed in and filled the room. After what seemed like an eternity, the doors were finally closed, and his fate was sealed.

They came out one by one. Wufei was first, his weapons in his hand. He glared down at Zechs as he took his place at the back half of the dais. Quatre was next and Zechs saw a flash of pity in his eyes as he took his place. Trowa followed soon after, his face cold and expressionless. He took his place, tapping his foot expectantly. Duo came next, the spokesperson for the group, and flashed Zechs his Shinigami grin. Heero was last, strolling in purposefully, his ax cradled in his hands.

The stage was set. The audience was quiet. Zechs's time had come.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Preventers," Duo said with a smug smile raising the microphone to his lips, "thank you for attending. You know why we're here, so I won't bother with explanations. Many times in the past, when our backs were to the wall, we found ourselves asking one question: What would Zechs Merquise do?" He raised on hand in the air. "So, tonight Ebon Wing is going to answer that question. HIT IT!"

Fei slammed the drumsticks down and started the beat. Heero lifted his ax and started a series of repetitive screaming guitar riffs as the group swung into action. More spotlights came up and illuminated the stage in a riot of color. Trowa fell into his groove on the base, playing it cool and strong at the same time. Quatre stood behind his keyboards and filled in the holes with synthesized sweetness.

"Fight! Fate!" Duo began chanting in time to the music and he started hopping about the stage punching the air with each word.

Zechs felt his cheeks flush as Duo repeated the chant four times in an attempt to get the crowd worked up. They were screaming. This was only the beginning.

"What would Zechs **Merquise** do, if he were here right now?" Duo sang in an almost feral scream. "He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Zechs Marquis would do!"

Zechs began to sink in his seat, visions of what "glorious deeds" the band might chose to sing about going through his mind The audience howled louder.

"Fight! Fate!" Duo repeated for the second time

"When Zechs **Merquise** was part of OZ, trying to reclaim Sanc, he conned Otto his loyal drone to take Tallgeese and tank. And when Zechs **Merquise** was in hills, flying Wing Zero, he flew headlong into Epyon, and stalemated with my Heero!"

Zechs sank even lower in his chair. Gods, this was worse then he had ever imagined.

"Fight! Fate!"

"So what would Zechs **Merquise** do, if he were here today? I'm sure he'd kick an arse or two, that's what Zechs **Merquise** would do!" Duo screamed and then launched into his jumping chant "Fight! Fate!" The audience was out of their seats now, jumping along with Duo.

A pair of gentle hands passed a plate of food and a bottle of water to Zechs who had slumped low in his chair. Without looking at what he had been handed, he proceeded to nibble on the snack he was offered.

"When Zechs Merquise was in the Alps, he met up with White Fang. They teamed up and decided to make the earth go Bang! Then Treize came up and called Zechs out, so they went and got it on! Cause Zechs **Merquise** doesn't take shit from an-y-bo-dy!"

From behind Duo a startled cry rang out from Quatre, "No! Zechs, those chicken wings are really spicy, don't eat those!"

Zechs paused, suddenly aware of the burning sensation he was feeling inside his mouth.

"I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!" Duo started out in a low rhythmic chant.

Zechs finished chewing and swallowed the bite he was eating. It was only then that he realized that his empty mouth was suddenly much hotter then his filled one. He grabbed another wing and started chewing madly.

"I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!" Duo's voice began to raise in tempo.

Zechs felt around for his bottle of water, all the while making certain his mouth was getting a steady flow of chicken wings to keep the burn down to a simmer rather then the inferno it was when it was empty.

"I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!" Duo chanted once more.

"Oooooowwwwww!" Trowa brayed in startling counter point to Duo's singing.

Where the hell was his water? He was given a bottle of water with the plate of wings. Who could have taken his water?

"I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!"

"Oooooowwwwww," Trowa brayed again.

Dammit that was the last chicken wing, where the hell was his water! He could feel the burn began to build, this time stronger then the last, fueled by all the wings he just consumed.

"I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!"

"Ooooooowwwwww!"

Zechs looked up, his mouth burning and eyes watering, and saw Noin very slowly and deliberately set a bottle of water down as she picked up a flute. With a wink, she put the flute to her lips and danced out onto the stage to play a lively little flute solo. A commanding hand settled on his shoulder and handed him an ice cold bottle of water that he proceeded to down in what felt like two gulps. Meanwhile back on stage, Duo resumed his chant.

"Fight! Fate!"

"Zechs **Merquise** was born in the peaceful Kingdom of Sanc, but he left that life of boring strife to his sis the princess of Pink! Hi-de-lo-dee-hi-dee-lay Zechs Merquis is here, so round up all the lasses and tell them to have no fear!"

Zechs noted the wicked gleam Duo got in his eye as he bounded over towards Heero and threw his arm over the guitarist's neck.

"Say come over here my Heero, in those tight ripped denim pants! And I'm gonna make dirty love to you, cause that's what Zechs **Merquise** would do!"

The band finished with a flourish and took a bow. The Preventers that had gathered around rose up in riotous applause. Commander Une stepped in front of him, her arms crossed expectantly. Zechs shrugged and gave in.

"OK," he said sheepishly, "I'll admit it. I was wrong."

"I can't believe you ever thought it was a good idea in the first place," Une scolded with a faint hint of a smile.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, I mean they did work well as a team after all." Zechs shrugged. "Who knew they would take my request for them to form a band seriously?" Then he turned towards the stage. "And Duo," he hollered. "For the record, I would NEVER make dirty love to Heero Yuy. I value my pretty neck far to highly for that!"

"You damn well better," Noin appeared and flung an arm around his neck. "Happy birthday dear. And might I suggest that next year, you not challenge Duo to do his worst on your birthday?"


End file.
